Zoo Lays Off Meng
by Kok Kok Kway and Phoenix Klaw

As part of an ongoing effort to cut costs and avoid duplication, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that Ah Meng the orang utan has been laid off.

Zoo official Mr Boh Kang Cho : “Since the merger of the Zoo, Night Safari and Bird Park, the zoo is finding ways to cut costs. We have asked all the older animals to consider voluntary early retirements since they are less productive. For example, Ah Meng consumes more food than a young orang utan and is less energetic. She sometimes even eats up visitors’ breakfasts. Also, we have so many orang utans, we can afford to cut down on the duplication.”

The Zoo is also tightening up its management of animals who are not performing.

Talkingcock understands that the two “green” polar bears that developed fur fungi have been given warning letters for exceeding their annual sick leave quota.

The Zoo has also exiled one of the tigers back to Malaysia, accused of trying to incite the animals to establish a union. “Foreign-born animals are always a problem in the Zoo because their loyalties are questionable. They simply do not have our country’s interests in mind. They also tend to be less obedient than locally bred animals.”

The restructuring seems to be affecting the morale of the animals. Visitors complained that recently, the animals appear “sian-sian” in their enclosures. The elephants seem to be moving slower than usual. The lions seemed resigned to their fate and are spending all their time lying in the sun. Even a 3-hour pep talk by SM last week failed to raise spirits. Rumour has it that the Zoo has threatened that if they don’t pull up their socks, the Zoo will bring in animal robots to take their places.

Hong Bao, the daughter of Ah Meng, told TalkingCock using sign language that she is “very concerned”. “I joined the zoo because I thought, hey, this is civil service – I can just laze around whole day and lead a secure life. Beats going out and fending for myself in the Johor forests, right? Now things are different. For example, my bananas ration is now tied to the number of visitors at my enclosure – part of what management calls ‘performance-based compensation’. Now I have to do monkey business in order to attract attention. Damn siong.”

Mr Boh Kang Cho was confident that with retraining, the animals will adapt to new uses. He said that for example, the Ministry of Community Development and Sports has already shown interest in hiring and retraining Ah Meng, mother of numerous orang utans, to be the ambassador of their campaign to encourage Singaporeans to have more children. The Ministry of Manpower is retraining monkeys to clean the windows of HDB flats, a chore now deemed too dangerous for maids.

Mr Boh warned that the animals have to take responsibility for their fate. The zoo has already received numerous requests from Chinese restaurants and medicine shops to purchase ‘redundant’ animals - bears, tigers, antelopes and rhinos are the most popular.

© http://www.talkingcock.com/ 2001-2003. All rights reserved.

despite all the effort i had put in for bloated fish's paper, i fail again! it's not as great an impact as for economics because i did try for bloated fish's paper. probably i didn't try hard enough. they say, if your english is lousy, don't opt for a jc life. maybe i serve myself right because not only did i choose to come in a jc, i chose to be in the arts faculty. shoot me.

they're so nice to accompany me to buy my beads! after which, we had an ultra hilarious coffee session with jane being the joker! yan said having coffee session is much more productive than just eating and laughing, though i still cannot understand in what ways and how. nevertheless, the word of the day is COALESCE!

did i spell it correctly? =P

opg, here are the photos!
SENTOSA TRIP! =)

it is such a tiring yet enjoyable day at sentosa. i've never been into the attractions before and it's just so amazing. i especially love 'images of singapore' and you'll feel that singapore does has it's own unique culture! it's simply fun!

i haven't been updating. =P i didn't know that penguin is such an avid reader and i'm so honoured to have a 'fan'. anyway, i saw a penguin made of glass today. it's so cute. at the stomach, there're two fishes, so my friends said that they are not digested in the penguin's stomach. we're making fun of xiao penguin. =P

oh. and the penguin which xiao penguin gave me is starting to swim in the bathroom. lame! but that's what my mum said. she even said that the porcelain penguin is swimming with the ribbon. oh well.

and i'm trying to stress everybody up by repeating, "41 days left to a levels!" that's because my friends from the science stream started stressing me up. so, i want to drag people to become stress with me. =P i'm so evil.

my god. i didn't know our cla teacher is actually knowledgeable. she's all out to murder us for this time's exam or maybe it's because she knows that preliminary exams will be exchanged amongst the various jcs and to retain her 'face', she set such a tough paper. i don't even know how to form a proper zao ju. nonetheless, my agony is ending soon!~

yay. i've made my first pair of earrings despite not having a wire-cutter. i'm so proud of myself.

i think i'm quite idiotic to open the chain individually but i have no choice because i don't have a wire-cutter! my fingers hurt but i'm still very satisfied with the product. =)

it rained today! the rain is crying for all of the history students because it's our doomsday. or rather, it's MY doomsday because i'm going to fail so terribly and bloated fish's going to get puffed all up again. the rain is an omen.

anyway, the last toturous paper is over and i felt the burden going away. =) the light is there. go on and i shall find the path to the light! =)

yay! snn has levelled up to 70! it's time to make the 3rd job advancement, which will be a tough job. =)

pretty pretty stuffs! this show's nice. it's called princess hours.






kim jeong-hoon is so cute. =) i'm a crazy piece of shit.

we saw these gigantic packets of lay's and ruffles at the ntuc. we found them very cute, but it's so embarrassing to take photos with the display. i told my sis to take it with a real human to emphasize how big they were, but she refused to take it herself and pulled me to stand with the display. ultimately, i took it very unreluctantly.